Heavily Meditated..

See what I did there? Haaa..

So, anxiety.. I’m gonna have a “little” chat about it on here but I’m going to keep it lighthearted and not get too into it as I’m aware we all have different experiences when it comes to anxiety. This isn’t some woe is me, I feel so sorry for myself blog post. It’s just about my personal experience with anxiety.

Can I be honest here? Do I have anxiety? I honestly couldn’t tell you, I think I do but it’s something I never talk about. I dunno is it anxiety or stress or worry .. or do they all fall under the same umbrella? I think everyone on some level has anxiety, it’s just different for different people, everyone gets worried at some point. Like you wouldn’t believe the stuff I get stressed about…some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed, just leave me and my brain alone for the day ya know?

I’ve had “it” (whatever “it” is) for as a long as I remember; I think it came from being bullied in school. I mean, I’m an anxious person naturally and there have definitely been events in my life that have exasperated the feeling. Sometimes my anxiety is crippling. I literally get so anxious I need an outlet.. Ultimately, if I’m not in control, I freak the F out.

If you don’t know what anxiety feels like…lemme describe it: ever been super hungover? Like ridiculously-Captain Morgan- 17 shots of Jager Bombs hungover? Ya. It’s that feeling (without the headache). Just that feeling of being extremely edgy.. like the fear is constantly calling.

I don’t get stressed over big things, funnily enough I always think the big things work themselves out. It’s literally the smallest, most insignificant things that make me anxious. Stuff like texting.. I will rarely text anyone first (besides Aaron, I annoy him with useless pieces of information 24/7) unless I have a question, I get worried that I’m annoying them, they’re busy and I’m interrupting.. like they haven’t text me so they don’t wanna chat obviously? And if they don’t text back? Goodbye god bless!.. Fair enough this isn’t the situation with everyone I speak to, I literally have 3 people I know I can text just for the rant ha! Wanna know how bad I am about texting? You could text me, I’ll text back two or three times and then not reply out of fear you think I’m dragging on the conversation or again I’m annoying you.. crazy I know! Am I the only one like this?

What else am I anxious over? Plans! Like genuine OCD when it comes to plans. I have to know what I’m doing! And if a plan gets changed? Up in a heap! .. You know if I plan on lying on the couch with a glass of wine on Saturday night and someone texts saying c’mon we go out.. 99% of the time I won’t go out, I had planned to stay on the couch, I was mentally prepared to stay on the couch..please don’t ask me to have to deal with the pressure of going out.. but you know you have to invite me out anyway because of FOMO ya? That’s a different level of anxiety then altogether! haha .. If you ever wanna know how bizarre I am about plans ask my cousin Efa, she’s dealt with me for the last 25 years.. she loooooves it! Especially when we plan on going out on a Saturday night and I’ll be texting her trying to make arrangements two weeks before, zero chill!

What people think of me.. will someone tell me whyyyy I care so much about what people who literally barely know me think of me? Actually, people who don’t know me at all for that matter! Literally cripples me! The fear of being judged for how I look, what I say, my personality, have you heard anything about me?.. I could go on. This fear is what stopped me from starting my blog for so long. For example, I was out recently and this group of people who have met me all of two times while out and never held a proper conversation with me were there. I could see them pointing, whispering (boys included now might I add) throwing shapes over in my direction. Lads, I can’t explain how I felt. I’m confident in my own way, if you’ve met me you’ll know this, however if something like this happens I literally shut down. I spent the night sitting in the corner with Aaron and a few others and didn’t move until they left. And you know what the worst part was, after throwing looks all night, when they passed by they still had the audacity to say hello? This is the stuff that gets to me because then I’m thinking am I paranoid? I’m trying soooo hard to not care what people think but I find it really tough sometimes but it’s something I’m constantly working on. I’ve actually started un-following judgmental people on social media and every-time I hit unfollow on a judge-y bitches page I feel this little weight being lifted off my shoulders.

Continuing on from the above.. because of this I get anxious about accidentally offending someone. I never want anyone to think I’ve personally victimized them! (Hands up if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by Regina George.. if you know you know😉 ) If I think I’ve offended you or  upset you in anyway I will 100% reach out to you ❤ I like to think of myself as a nice person, I’ll never comment on anyone’s Instagram with something negative, I always try and compliment girls on their posts. We need a bit of uplifting once in a while and if I made someone feel unreal by telling them they look fab then my day is made. I’m a firm believer in if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Now that being said if you ask me what I think of something you’re wearing, I’ll tell you the truth.. but only if you ask 🙂

Ok so do ye understand my level of anxiety? It’s over things that shouldn’t matter to me. There are a few more things I could list but I think it’s time we’ll move on with the post and talk about how I deal with it…

I’m luckier than most that I’ve learned to control it. When I’m feeling anxious I can pinpoint it, stop and ask myself what I’m worried over and work on it. I’ve learned to not let it control situations where I do feel anxious. Granted this doesn’t work all of the time but when it works it works. Try it the next time you feel anxious – stop and take a step back.

Meditation really helps me .. I don’t spend hours on end everyday meditating, I don’t even meditate every day but when I do I take 5 or 6 minutes and just try to breathe. I use the app Headspace and it’s amazing! You can pick how long you want to mediate for and they’ll guide you through it. It’s free to get on the app store as well.

Some proven benefits of meditation are..

  1. Reduces stress
  2. Improves mental health
  3. Has a calming affect on the body
  4. Helps alleviate depression
  5. Helps develop positive thinking

Writing things down really helps me! This helps me in all aspects of life not just with anxiety. If your head has 101 things floating around inside it, sit down with a pen and paper and start listing then throw the list away! Works wonders honestly 🙂

The last tip I have that works for me which I’m sure you have all heard.. exercise. Yes, yes I know, you’ve heard this 10,000 times but have you tried it? There have been days when I’ve gone to the gym like a demon and walked out with a smile on my face. Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy 🙂 If you can’t get to the gym, go for a walk or do my personal favourite, a bit of Thai boxing! Nothing like taking your frustration out on the pads!

Okay.. So I have questions: do you have anxiety? If so, how do you deal ( if not, you’re SO lucky! I’m super jeal ), besides the obvious: a work out, bubble bath, & glass of wine?

If you want me to do more posts on anxiety, what makes me anxious, ways of dealing with it just get in touch with me ❤ Likewise if you have any questions 🙂


Until next time,

April x



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